


Hiraeth

by The_White_Rabbit42



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 09:20:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10357191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_White_Rabbit42/pseuds/The_White_Rabbit42
Summary: You're longing for something from the past.  Turns out you're not the only one.





	

You can’t remember the last time you saw the ocean.  You used to visit it all the time with your family, back when you had one.  You’re sure this is part of what drives the aching nostalgia weighing on your heart, but part of it is because you long for peace that comes only with the dull roar of the waves and the smell of salt on the air.  

 

Sam and Dean don’t understand and you don’t have the words to make them.  Dean doesn’t really try, too distracted by a potential case and while Sam does, he doesn’t have the comprehension he thinks he does.  If he did, he would have been the one to bring you.

 

As it is you’re only there because Gabriel knows your mind whether you want him to or not.  Sometimes it seems like he knows your soul and you’re not the only one who’s noticed.  You’re still not quite sure how and you’re not certain he does either.  If he knows your heart he keeps quiet about it.  Your body remains a mystery despite the heady but careful dance you do whenever you’re together.  

 

On your end it’s because you don’t like getting too close.  Bad things inevitably happen to people you care about and there are little of those left these days.  You imagine with him it’s a similar thought weighed even heavier by the knowledge that he will outlive just about everything in existence, save a handful of beings.  

 

You don’t know exactly where Gabriel has taken you, only that it’s where you need to be.  There is ocean, there is a beach, and most importantly, there is solitude.  Not a single other person can be seen. 

 

You slip off your shoes and sand swallows your feet as a briny breeze blows over you.  Waves crash against the shore.  Gulls call out overhead.  This is as close to home as you’ve been in a long time.  

 

There is calmness to be found, but not the peace you remember.  Your senses draw snippets of memories tucked away with great care, causing past to overlay present.  The feeling you were after, however, lays just beyond your reach.  As you fumble to grasp it a new one rises in its place, one that aches in an indescribable way.  It longs and is lonely and filled with something that will never be satisfied.  

 

“Hiraeth,” Gabriel’s voice cuts through the silence.  “It’s called hiraeth.”

 

Gold is malleable and muted beneath the weight of his own emotions.  There are layers there you cannot fathom, but there is also something that is desolate, something that yearns and grieves as much as you do.

 

He understands even if you don’t at the moment.  

 

“What does it mean?”  The answer already thrums inside you, tugging at your heart, skittering across your unconscious.  It is as familiar as it is foreign and inexplicably already a part of you.

 

“There’s no word for it in English.  The simplest definition is the longing for something that no longer exists,” he explained.  

 

“Hiraeth,” you repeat and it fits.  There is a sense of peace with knowledge.  There’s also one that comes from being with another who doesn’t  _ just _ understand.  

 

“Does it ever get easier?” You ask him.  The ache ebbs and flows much like the waves in front of you.  It pushes the fringe of being almost too much before sinking back beneath the surface.  It abates just enough for you to ground yourself again, to keep from becoming caught in the riptide before the next swell crashes over you.  

 

The smile he gives is rueful.  It’s not exactly what you want to see, but you appreciate the honesty.  At least you only have to endure it for one lifetime.  That thought has a different sorrow blooming across the sea of sentiments you’re caught in.  It helps the tide slide out a little, allowing your feet to plant more firmly in place.

 

Gabriel, however, is drifting further and further from shore and the look in amber tugs innately within you.  He has always had a knack for being your anchor.  For once, maybe you can be his.  

 

You cast your fear and hesitation aside as he has time and again.  A touch is all it’s ever taken with you, but you worry he may need something stronger.  He has experienced so much more, seen more, felt more, and undoubtedly lost more.  What did you have at your disposal that could even begin to break through all that?

 

You know.  You know and it terrifies you more than anything.  More than monsters.  More than demons.  Even more than the world ending.  Yet, you also know you would do anything to erase the haunted look from his face.    

 

You step in front of him and even as his gaze slides down to you, you can tell he’s not really there.  You swallow, pushing back against the past that has sentiments clashing in a chorus of alarms.  It’s so powerful and insistent that it nearly closes off your throat.  The knowledge he needs this, however, is visceral, as is the drive to make sure that need is met.  

 

Determined, you reach up, tips of fingers brushing across light stubble as they make their way across his cheek.  They don’t stop there, slipping their way into soft strands.  You see his head appear above the water as amber regards you curiously, but he is still so far from you, so far from everything.  

 

You try to guide him back, pulling him down toward you as you lean up towards him.  The lifeline you throw is soft and unassuming, a reminder that he is not lost, at least not by himself.  There is no unquenchable need driving your lips to lay claim to his.  It doesn’t resonate with a burning passion.  It simply is.  Just like you and he are in this moment.

 

It takes a second, but he reaches for it, his mouth relaxing and granting permission for you to continue.  He begins the slow task of pulling himself out of the current, lips stirring against yours as he sets a slow and steady pace.  You can tell when he’s made it close enough to stand without disappearing back beneath the waves.  His hands slip around your waist, settling across your lower back.  He tugs you forward, just enough to settle you against him, another reminder that shore isn’t far.  You feel your own growing more solid beneath your feet and when he finally reaches his, he pulls back. 

 

Gold has regained its former luster but those aching sentiments still resonate in the darks of his eyes.  Now that you can recognize them, they have always lurked beneath the sarcasm, cockiness, and self-importance with which he builds his mask.  They no doubt always will, but for now, they are manageable.  You find so are your own feelings, but not for the reasons you imagined.  

 

You both turn back toward white capped waters, getting lost in the rise and fall of the waves.  He doesn’t release you from his arms and you have no desire to leave them as you watch the tide drift further and further back to sea, inch by creeping inch.  In his touch there is an echo of the past, one that mends the ache more than creates it.  The way honeyed hues occasionally gaze down at you, you wonder if he feels it too.

  
Perhaps things aren't as lost as you imagined them to be.  You know you can never go back, but maybe there are vestiges that can be salvaged, ones that can only be found by moving forward with someone else who’s looking for their home just as intently as you.   


End file.
